Have
you ever met someone who lives a very structured lifestyle and is acutely
organized? Or the person who is in an educational
setting that has never had bad grades but begins to experience a deterioration
of their academic life? Maybe you have
run into the type of person who has to be the nucleus of every relationship in
their life; not just with people but with things as well. Not being able to fix the problems in the
family makes them anxious. Not being
able to control situations in their social network makes them feel less
powerful and out of control. Maybe YOU
are a person similar to one of these types of people.
We
are all control freaks to some degree but there is an aspect of control and
power that is healthy. After all, as a
friend of mine once said to me, “Who wouldn’t want to have things their
way?” But having things go our way is
not why I wrote this blog. This blog is
dedicated to what can happen when people respond to situations when they do not
get their way; when things fall outside of their circumference of CONTROL and
POWER. Contrary to popular belief, when we begin
trying to control things that are out of our control, the universe exposes us
to its pedagogical style of teaching us that we are never fully in control
of anything. Nada. Zip.
Zero. People tend to have a
negative reaction/response to the psychological and emotional dynamics they
experience when they cannot control things.
I believe that thoughts and
emotions are the universes electric neck-collar on humans. When we try to go into places that we are not
supposed to go (i.e. trying to be control freaks and fully control things that
are uncontrollable), the universe zaps us with that undesirable electric
current of overwhelming/intrusive thoughts and emotions. You may be able to control things to a
certain extent but not everything is meant to be controlled. Much of your true power in life will come
when you find the ability to give up power and control in order to gain true
power and control in other areas of your life.
Balance is the key.
In
counseling, a large percentage of people that I have seen for traditional
therapy come in saying that they are having problems not being able to control
their thoughts and emotions like they used
to be able to. Or, there is
something else going on in their life which is causing their thoughts and
emotions to be overwhelming. Here’s my
thing with this idea of controlling ones thoughts and emotions; it’s impossible to do!...fully at
least. Thoughts and emotions do not want to be controlled. The very belief that one can fully control
the thoughts and emotions that pervade the mind and body is [in my opinion]
erroneous thinking.
If
you read the blog AM I GOING CRAZY IN MY HEAD? you have discerned the idea that
thoughts may not belong to anyone. They may be entities connected to the psyche,
separate from the self, but property of no one in particular. Thoughts and emotions are experienced, not
ingrained in anyone. They are
transient. They come and go. They are sort of like carbon that comes into
our bodies only to exit as carbon dioxide.
If your body was a hotel your thoughts and emotions would be the people
coming and going all of the time. Most
having short stays and some staying a little longer than others; none making a
permanent residence.
An
ancillary problem people have is that even when their [negative] thoughts and
emotions are not being experienced, they still claim allegiance to and identify
with them. For example, I have had
numerous clients who clearly stated that they were currently (at that moment)
feeling better and not depressed; but they would still describe their natural
state of being as being a depressed type
of person. “I’ve been feeling great
which is odd…because I’m typically a stressful type of person,” someone
said. What? That is totally backwards. This person is claiming allegiance to and
identifying with the stress instead of identifying with their true self who
periodically experiences stress.
If
you can change, improve, or control something for the betterment of a healthy
situation, by all means do it. But if
you realize that you cannot control it, I encourage you to abdicate your
power. In situations like these where
you give up power, you can find power in other areas of your life through the
power of powerlessness. Giving up power
and control is scary though. It can be
fearful. I offer you Kobe Bryant’s mindset
(which is commensurate to how I began dealing with situations I couldn’t
control when I had my own quantum moment with
powerlessness). In talking about his
several injuries during the last part of his career he said:
"For the last three
years, I haven't been able to do it. Achilles. Knee. Shoulder. Serious
injuries. My preparation was right. I worked and worked for my body to be able
to get through this…Coming into the season, I had the concern: Could I make it
all year?... I had the fear. But I embraced that fear, and then I let it
go. I realized: I can't control it. I prepare. I do all the work. If that
happens, it happens. And I stopped thinking about it…In the end, this wasn't
hard to accept. I can accept reality and move on,” (Wojnarowski, 2015) .
When Kobe realized that he couldn’t control the situation
like he desired, he gave up control.
He left the control room.
He abdicated his power and moved on. He freed himself of the imprisonment that
being a control freak can put you in. I
too have stepped outside of unhealthy lifestyle of trying to control
everything in my life. I wonder what
would happen if you got out of control.
#ExpandYourPerspectVe
© PerspectVe LLC April 15, 2016
References
Wojnarowski, A. (2015,
April 11). The secret behind the greatest victory of Kobe Bryant's farewell
season.
